Notes on the Reinvention of Jaime
This is one of those posts I’m writing because nobody is actually reading any of these, so it’s just like “chatting at the sky” as Emily P. Freeman used to say.
It is Friday, and I did not work today. I also did not get up very early because I didn’t go to bed until 3 a.m., which is completely my fault. I have been putting bedtime off too late, and then I spiral into staying up even later. This is definitely something I need to work on.
Matthew had the day off, although he took the car to Walmart this morning to get new tires put on. The car had started wobbling a couple of weeks ago, and we’d been trying to figure out what was causing the little vibrations. It turned out to be the tires, so now we have new ones. One problem solved.
I didn’t have a particularly productive day, though, and part of the reason was that my brain was somewhere else.
I was forgotten for something last week and just found out about it last night and it hit me much harder than I expected.
Being forgotten is a really difficult thing for me. I think some of that goes all the way back to my teenage years. I wasn’t one of the popular kids or one of the cool kids or one of the people everybody wanted to be around. I often felt like the person who was forgotten or left out.
Once I realized I was feeling this way, I started remembering other times when I had been left out. One of them was my 21st birthday.
I had worked up the courage to invite some friends over for my birthday. I remember being so nervous about inviting people because I have never been particularly good at that.
Instead, they told me they were already planning to go to a movie and said they would come pick me up and I’d go with them. So I got dressed up for my birthday and waited.
And waited.
And they never came.
I didn’t have a cell phone, (because not many people did then) so there wasn’t even a text message or anything. I just sat there waiting for them to show up, and eventually I realized they weren’t coming. They apologized the next time I saw them, but I don’t think they ever understood how deeply it affected me.
And then there were other things. A time when I discovered that a group of friends had gone out to dinner without me even though I had driven for eight hours to come to town for a bridal shower for one of them. My high school graduation party that only my youth pastor and a friend of my mom’s showed up for. Other little experiences that, taken individually, might not seem like much, but together left me with a very strong feeling that I was not important.
That I’m forgettable.
So today my brain was still all tangled up in everything I’d been thinking about the night before, and that made it hard to get much done. I’m not really one for pity parties, but sometimes I get taken out by something that feels so small.
Eventually, though, I started reminding myself of the other side of the story. People do remember me, and I’m being ridiculous, and does it even MATTER? I have evidence of people remembering me just this week. Like a second cousin I barely know sending me a picture that made her think of me.
Nearly every time I’ve been hired for a job, it’s because someone thought of me and asked me to apply. There are plenty of people who love me. I’m not invisible or forgettable to all and sundry. I have a husband and cat who adore me, after all.
I just have some very old experiences that make being left out feel bigger than it should. And I think it was good for me to notice that instead of just wondering why I was so thrown off today.
I did eventually get outside and pull all the ferns out of my flower bed. Those things are ridiculous. They take over everything. I also chose one surface to tackle and cleaned and tidied the top of the dresser in the dining room.
I went outside and grounded for a while, which I haven’t been doing very consistently.
I also did pretty well with my food today, considering how the day was going. I didn’t eat breakfast, so my first meal was around 1:00, and instead of eating the less than stellar food I was tempted to have, I chopped up some chicken and cooked it with bell peppers. So at least I got some protein in.
I put my Etsy shop on sale again because my previous sale had expired, and I’ve gotten a few sales from Australia for Father’s Day, which is this weekend. So I did at least touch Etsy, although I did not create a new listing (yet!).
That 30-listing goal is going to require me to actually make things eventually.
For my little “delight” assignment, I decided to pick a flower from my garden and put it in a vase. Totally counts.
And now it is after 1 a.m. again.
Which brings me back to the other thing I apparently need to remember.
Go to bed, Jaime.
